TMNT on LSD
by Kitty-Guardian Dorothy
Summary: Crack-fic: What would REALLY happen if a teenage girl got stuck in a bad OC fanfic. Will have more chapters later. Gift for Rose Black Dragon.
1. NotGlorious NewYork morning

**Disclaimer:…. I obviously do not own Ninja Turtles. Peter Lair and Kevin Eastman do.**

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><p>One glorious morning in New York, a teenage girl was awakening from her slumber…. Let's forget the fact that mornings in New York are not glorious because there is always the constant profaninty of bad drivers yelling at other bad drivers, and a bunch of rude street punks beating up their classmates for lunch money, and the drug deals in the corners of slums…. Let's also forget the fact that teenagers tend to not wake up in the morning because they stay up to about two o'clock in the morning watching TV or trolling on the internet because their parents stopped giving a damn when they were in their preteens.<p>

_But, _anyways on this particular morning, a teenager woke up with a yawn, and rubbed the eye-crust from her eyes – she was, of course surprised when she found there was no gross sleep-induced crust in her eyes, she was also surprised by the lack of dried drool. So said girl opened her uncrusted eyes…

And closed them again, then opened them again and closed them – she rubbed her eyes a second time for safe measure and opened them.

She was not in her bedroom.

There was no TV in the corner, there was no desk propped up against the wall with a dirty trench-coat on it and a laptop, there were no crayon-marks from her baby brothers scribbling on her walls every time they found a marking tool of any kind, there was no white scratched-up dresser with a mismatched nightstand and there was definitely no mess on the wooden floor. This room was clean and white, with a matching clean and white carpet that lacked stains – in fact, it was so clean and white it actually _sparkled. _There were two oak-wood grand dressers and a big walk-in closet. Everything was organized and not messy.

The bed she was sleeping in was not right either – her actual bed didn't even have a frame, it was just one mattress atop another mattress, and it was twin-sized while this bed was queen-sized. This blanket was soft, thick and velvet and had some kind of royal design of orange, red, blue and purple even though those four colors together made a terrible mixture because they didn't go together, her actual blanket was a sleeping bag that wasn't zipped up, the sheets on this bed were peal-white but her actual sheets were plaid, and the pillows on this bed were white and clean like this rest of this room that lacked personality, her actual pillows had mixed-matched cases and has several drool stains.

"The hell?" She wondered allowed and got up, freaked out; she was surprised that she didn't feel as yucky as any other teenage girl would feel in the morning. Still freaked out, she headed towards the window – she was surprised to find that instead of staring at her backyard, she was staring at the still-sleepy New York…. Even though as a big city, New York was always awake.

She backed away slowly until her back hit the wall; she turned around and faced a mirror she didn't recall being there before; another girl stared back at her…. She blinked and the other girl blinked, she gasped in surprise and the other girl did soundlessly.

She was staring at _herself… _But she wasn't.

The girl in the mirror had long, silky and straight dark hair – even though her hair was short and wild and somehow she lacked the inevitable bed-head. The girl in the mirror had dark-rimmed as though she had been wearing eyeliner while she was sleeping, sparkly brown eyes that were almond-shaped, even though her actual eyes were almost black and really large and the right eye was supposed the be wrinkled on the bottom eyelid. The girl in the mirror was wearing silk pajama's even though she normally wore her dads huge shirt and nurses scrub-pants as p.j's. The girl in the mirror was skinny enough to be anorexic, tall and somehow slightly musclular despite being so thing, even though she was supposed the be short and heavily built. This girls face was angular despite the fact hers was suppose to be broad and there was the fact that even though she was a teenager this girl in the mirror had a flawless face and wasn't marred by pimples, or the small marks teenagers get when they pop pimples. And she had a huge rack, even though as a middle school student hers were supposed to be undeveloped.

The girl in the mirror was somehow _her._

Flabbergasted, she did a series of different, and often silly movements to prove she was looking at herself; then she looked at her hands; her small, calloused hands with short chewed-up nails were now long and slender with soft skin, her nails were long and perfect as if she spent several hours everyday perfecting them.

She was not in her body – she was not in her boyish-looking body with ragged hair that made several people mistake her for a guy, she was in the body of an eighteen-year old Asian premodana!

"AHHHHHHHH! WHAT THE HELL! WHAT THE FUCK! HOLY SHIT, WHAT THE ASS-FUCKING QUEER!" Being a teenager, she was quite melodramatic; she waited a couple seconds for her dad to be awoken by her obscenities, rumble down the hall, come in to her room, say something offensive yet funny, and then answer all of her questions before telling her to make him a fried-egg sandwich.

Her unbelievably sparkly brown eyes widened when the door opened and a red-haired woman's head popped in. "Oh, good morning beloved niece of mine!" She chirped, as if she had not just screamed out curses loud enough to be heard across the street.

"Uhh…" Her eye twitched again; niece? Last time she checked, her aunt had grayish-dirtly blonde hair and hazel eyes with glasses – and her other aunt was way out in her mothers Native island of Marshal Islands and was completely Asian. In reterospect; this was in no way, shape of form her aunt. "Who the fuck are you?"

The red-haired woman stupidly batted her eyelashes and came into the room "Are you sick?" She asked sweetly in concern "It's me – your Aunt April, you are the daughter of my long-lost sister who abused you and looked down on you because you were more beautiful than she was. So you ran away to live with us to get away from the abuse and rape. Your father is your uncle Casey's long-lost brother who abused and raped you on a daily basis and sold you on the streets as a prostitute."

She was horrified – beyond horrified; those were _not _her parents. "Who the hell do you think you are, saying those lies about my parents like that?" She growled – she found that she was suddenly more intimidating and a dark aura surrounded her even though it was physically impossible.

April's green eyes softened, she ignored the apparently existent foreboding aura that surrounded her 'niece' and approached her to pull her in for a hug "I know you're in denial, sweetie; but your parents never cared about you so you shouldn't care about them."

She felt like punching her – but she was obviously weaker in this extremely girly body. She gave April a rather sissy shove and walked away "O-Okay…" She stuttered, surprised she was so shy and soft-spoke all of a sudden. "I'm going to get dressed." She growled, her demeanor suddenly shifted to where she was all tough. She went to her closet and opened the door.

Her jaw dropped to the floor.

All of the clothes…. _All of them, _were completely black and kind of trampy; her clothes were supposed to be loose and over-sized and concealing, sure a lot of them were black but not all of them – a lot of them were brightly colored and had humorous messages on them. "No fucking away am I wearing those!" She shouted and took a step back.

April rolled her eyes "Girls your age; always dressing so inappropriately."

Her eyes twitched again, this was all to disturbing "B-But I just said I _didn't _want to wear them." She stuttered. April rolled her eyes again and threw her hands up for exasperation.

"Fine, you want to dress like that, go ahead." April said before leaving the perfectly clean white room.

Silence.

"What the FUCK!" She shouted again, she briefly wondered if all of those stressful nights of her baby brothers crying and wreaking havoc were finally getting to her. Because clearing she was not in Kansas anymore… Well, not in California anymore.

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><p><em>And the crack-fic begins! A friend of mine said I should do a humorous story.<em>

_So yeah, I guess I am 'She/her'. Sometimes you have to ask yourself "What would happen if I got stuck in a bad tmnt fanfic?"_


	2. Ninja rescue

**Disclaimer:…. I obviously do not own Ninja Turtles. Peter Lair and Kevin Eastman do.**

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><p>She had rushed April's apartment as soon as she could – her pride would not allow her to where those revealing black outfits, so she had raided Casey's closet and put on a over-sized t-shirt and sweatpants so bit she had to pull the string all the way so it would fit around her now skinny waist – and despite the appearance of disfigurement these clothes gave her annoyingly perfect body, people all around her kept undressing her with their eyes.<p>

Suddenly, even though about five seconds had passed and she had apparently woken up in the morning and had only walked about ten kilometers, it was night-time and somehow she had ended up all the way on the 'bad side' of New York…. Which was _all _the sides as far as she knew.

"Hey, babe." She heard a cat-call; she dared turn her head; somehow she was now in a alley even though she didn't recall ever walking into one. What kind of an idiot would walk into a New York alley at night anyways? Especially one like this which lacked proper lighting for some reason. There was a group of gangster-looking guys; somehow she could see him even though she was apparently in a dark alley.

"Holy shit a Crip!" She gasped; it was only a matter of time before she ran into the Crips.

"Yes, I'm a Cr- Wait what? No you idiot, I'm a Purple Dragon!"

"Isn't purple a gay color?"

"…. Bitch, I'm going to have degrading sex with you and kill you."

Under normal circumstances she would scream and run – but she suddenly feeling bad-ass and beat all of the gangsters up… Which was strange, they were all armed male gangsters who were obviously at least a couple years older than her, and she was weak and scrawny in this 'perfect' body... Not to mention she didn't even have basic knowledge when it came to fighting besides street.

When they were all down, the lights magically switched on.

And four people jumped out of the shadows and in front of her…. Four people who were green… Four people who had shells….

"Hey, are we late from saving you? Because -!" One of them asked, but she did what any other girl in her position would do in a situation like this.

"HOLY SHIT A FUCKING ALIEN!" She screamed and grabbed a nerby glass wine bottle, which she used to beat the offending alien over the head with "DIE! DIE! DIE ALIEN FREAK!"

"DIE! DIE! DIE!"

Of course the others did nothing; at least for a few minutes; one of them tried to grab her shoulder but she, being rational, tried to hit him over the head with a bottle.

The bottle disappeared from her hand and turned into a Bo Staff – she was so surprised she dropped it; another one of them tried to grab at her but she tried to punch him; however, a pair of nunchucks were suddenly clenched in her fist. She dropped them; she looked at her other hand and found she was also holding a sai…. When she looked back at her hand she saw she was holding a katana.

…What the fuck?

"Wow – you're such an amazing ninja!" The one with the orange mask said – she was pretty sure that had been the one she hit over the head with a bottle…. She flinched at the surprisingly high pitch of his voice, which had an annoying surfer's accent.

"Aren't you surprised by us?" Another one asked; this one had gentle brown eyes and a purple mask, he somehow appeared to be nerdy and shy.

"Wha…?" She drawled out; she _was _surprised about them! They were giant, talking turtles! She thought they were aliens! Was that *not* surprise or something?

"Yea', ya pretty tough. Ya a'ight?" Another asked; this one had a really deep voice and a Manhatten accent that muzzled up his speech and made it kind of difficult to decipher what he was saying.

"You are obviously not a judgmental person; you accept us as we are, you look past our appearance as see us as friends." The one with the blue mask said….. She really had no comment for him other than the lack of anything resembling an expression.

"What? Like hell! Where's my pepper spray?" She asked and searched in her pruse for it…. The purse she hadn't brought with her.

"Come on," the blue-masked one said and tugged at her arm "we need to take you back to our Lair now that we've saved you."

Hopelessly confused, she said "But…. I just saved myself…. And why should I go to your Lair?"

"We would have saved you, but we were late because Raph had to take a piss behind a dumpster; besides, you're injured."

"I'm not -!" But before she could finish, she passed out from blood loss because of the knife injury she was pretty sure she hadn't received in the fight.

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><p><em>...No comment<em>


	3. Stereotypes that define the turtles

**Disclaimer:…. I obviously do not own Ninja Turtles. Peter Lair and Kevin Eastman do.**

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><p>After several days with the turtles, She felt as though she were going to be insane… Scratch that, she had already been officially driven insane by these turtles.<p>

They lacked anything really resembling personalities – it was almost like they were acting the parts, but not very well; they had the acting skills of Miley Cyrus…

For one thing; they had a constant routine of only ever doing certain things. For example; all the blue one (she believed his name was Leon or something) ever did was _train. _Seriously, that was it; she never even saw him eat or sleep, which was essential to live. Or even watch TV or play video games which a lot of teenage boys did (At least, they said they were teenagers; seventeen. Yeah fucking right, they were like twenty or something by her guess.)

The purple one, Donald….. He was just kind of really useless; he barely ever spoke, all he ever did was sit in his lab, working on projects. The only other contributor to his so-called 'personality' was that he drank coffee…. A lot of fucking coffee. She herself was a struggling coffee addict (a lot of middle school students like herself were) but even she cringed at the idea of all the blood-poisoning Donald was giving himself with so much caffeine. It was a miracle he never had a heart attack…. Not-so-secretly, she hoped he would.

And then their was the red one Wrath (?); his hobbies included cursing loudly (curses were the only words he said that were understandable), beating up his brothers, look down on her for being a female, drinking a lot and going 'topside' to beat up gangsters with her so-called Uncle Casey, he put it upon himself to not rescue her, even though his apparent niece had been kidnapped by sewer-dwelling mutant turtles who made no implications of letting her go. All-in-all, Wrath was a complete dick.

And finally, the orange one, Michael; he was happy and kinda super-gay half the time, and hardcore emo the next. It was really trippy actually; he freaked her out more so than the others. She had a sneaking suspicion he worshipped pizza; one night, she had been hiding in the kitchen from them, when she heard a weird noise, she saw he was wearing a weird hooded robe with a pentagram on the back (…. Well, more like a pizza pie with a star sliced into it) and he was chanting something over a box from Domino's. Now, she enjoyed pizza as much as the next guy, no American could live without the occasional slice of cardboard with melted cheese after all, but it didn't change the fact that Michael would probably sacrifice someone to the Italians…. She hoped it wouldn't be her.

Oh yeah; there was also the rat (eek, eek!) Master Splinter…. He, much like Donald, was extremely useless; when he wasn't watching Soap Opera's or meditating, he was pretty much missing… He was seemingly unimportant to everything going on.

And there was the extremely high possibility that they were all on LSD.

No, seriously; she believed that with all of her being. All she ever did was stand around, or try to hide from them; yet even though they had only known her for a solid couple of days (because, again, they had kidnapped her and refused to let her leave) they were all convinced they were in love with her.

….. EWW!

Aside from already having a boyfriend; there was the fact that they were _turtles! _Really, really ugly turtles too. She was in no way attracted to turtles; hell, furries freaked her out enough! And there was the age difference; they claimed to be seventeen, she was fourteen; three years age difference!... Which, in actuality is not that much, but it was a big difference to a middle school student.

All she did was stand around and wait for the perfect chance to escape these annoying turtles, and hopefully find out why her life was suddenly so whacked-up, and perhaps tip off Area Fifty-one about five mutant freaks living under the sewers who liked to beat up gangsters and kidnap teenage girls

And even though she only ever stood around or tried to avoid/hide from them, they still praised her over things she was pretty sure they couldn't do; like being an amazing ninja, being strong, being fast, being a genius ect. For one thing, she was no ninja; lessons to be a ninja would cost a shit-ton of money that her middle-class family could not afford. Another thing; she, even though she hated it, was a _girl, _a short half-Asian girl, therefore, not that strong. And being built like her father, was not that fast either. Sure,s he didn't deny that she was smart, but she not a genius; those only came around like what, once every twenty years or so? The thing that really made her believe that these turtles were on LSD was that they believed these things, even though she never did anything to prove them.

It was official; once she got home (By God, please let her get back home) the first thing she was going to do was rant to her Former-Druggie-Future-Druggie best friend about the dangers of LSD….

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><p><em>... Not that funny, but hey; thise was mostly about the stereotypes that define the turtles on FF... <em>


	4. She finally cracks

**Disclaimer:…. I obviously do not own Ninja Turtles. Peter Lair and Kevin Eastman do.**

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><p>'<em>God this is so boring.' <em>She thought; she was currently sitting on the edge of the building. She would be trying to escape right now, if it weren't for the turtles that stood on the edge of the building, stuck in dramatic/heroic pose as they watched over the city; the effect was made even more dramatic with their masks fluttering around their heads slowly, despite the lack of anything resembling wind..

….They hadn't moved in over an hour; it was seriously nothing short of a miracle a normal person didnt spot four staue-like turtles on a rooftop. Ninja's could fall asleep with their eyes open, right? In her generation, people believed ninja's were capable of pretty much anything… Because they were ninja's. She used to believe that, too; in third grade she pretended to be a ninja (black scarf around her face and everything) and was stuck with people calling her 'not-ninja' for about six months (yeah…. _Real _creative insult.) But then once she met these turtles she started to hate ninja's.

Fuck the ninja's and their popular media; Sammurai's are where it's at! ….God, already have driven her nuts!

But yes; she was refraining from escaping because of the statue-like ninja turtles surrounded her…. The turtles had taken it upon themselves to take her _everywhere _they went; she had a feeling they were trying to make her succumb to schizophrenia. Anytime they stopped, they would argue about her safety, give her no say, usually all would receive a lecture from Leon, then they would jump to the next building and the process would start all over again. As if whoever judged what happened in this universe was to lazy to make them do anything else….. (_You know who you are_).

This night was _torture; _being a fourteen-year-old girl, she couldn't jump buildings under normal circumstances; sure, she liked practicing to free run like any other show-off teenager, but actually jumping buildings was beyond her. She had never been so afraid in her _life; _this included the time her little brother had made these scrambled eggs that were _orange. _However, as soon as she told the turtles that she _couldn't _jump buildings, she stumbled and suddenly leapt to the next rooftop.

…. The fuck?

Was she on LSD too? God-damn, that must have been it! Yes…. Her former-druggie-future-druggie best friend must have finally talked her into doing designer drugs, and now the lord was punishing her with hallucinations…... Hallucinations that have lasted several days…. Hallucinations so bad she was imagining she had been kidnapped by turtles….

"Turtles!" A new voice boomed and lighting flashed; even though she was pretty sure the night sky had been clear a moment ago. She the not-turtle-statues turned to find that a huge army of ninjas with a metal guy in front of them had somehow snuck up on the roof.

….So wait, if these turtles were ninja's, how did they not notice the _army _that had formed on the roof? Didn't ninja training include being aware of your surroundings?

"Hello turtles," the guy in metal greeted, his eyes locked on her "I see you have found my future bride."

Any remnant of sanity she had left shattered.

"W-What?" She gasped and took a step back – surprisingly, she did not fall over the edge of the roof in spite that she had been standing on the edge of it.

"You thought you could run away from the Foot, whelp; but you will find I do not give up so easily."

"That statement makes no sense." She said and crossed her arms – then she realized something; _humans! _These were humans! They could take her away from the turtles!

"You worked for the foot?" Wrath gasped "I knew something was off about you!"

"Yup; I'm totally fucking evil and let's leave it at that." She said and quickly made her way over to the ninjas. She turned to the dude in metal "So uh…. Yeah… Real sorry about leaving the Feet clan and all, forgive me?"

"Sure." Was the guy in metals reply; the guy who had committed world-wide, and intergalactic genocide, the guy who would kill and look down on his own men… His reply to one of his so-called affiliates who had apparently betrayed him was 'Sure'….

Yup, this world officially made no sense.

"We'll get back at you Shredder for kidnapping our friend!" Leon shouted, dramatically pointing his sword at the 'Shredder'.

"What kind of fucking name is the 'Shredder'?" The girl asked aloud, and like any other time she said anything relevant to logic she was ignored.

"Yeah, how dare you! You are evil for kidnapping a helpless girl!" Michael said.

"Kidnapped? Yo, I _willing _came to the guy, that is not kidnapping." She said, again to be ignored because of her _unnecessary _use of logic. She turned to the Shredder "Can you guys not have an Epic showdown or anything? It's been an extremely long couple of days." She was ignored.

The Shredder, the turtles and the useless ninjas of the Feet clan started fighting.

"Damn, it's like everything I say won't happen, will happen." The girl said aloud, then got an idea "I won't get an ice-cream sundae."

…Nothing.

"Fuck, I wished that would have worked." The girl complained.

Then a ninja woman with dark hair and green eyes appeared seemingly out of nowhere "Sorry I am late – I had to pick up some ice cream." She apologized to no one; she was holding a banana split, an ice cream cone and a sundae.

"Thank you LSD." The girl said and took the sundae.

"Let me guess; you met the turtles, then my father, and now you are convinced you are O.D'ing on LSD." The ninja woman asked.

"It happens when your best friend is a former-druggie-future-druggie." The girl said as blood started flying in the air; some gore actually flung onto her, and into her sundae but she ignored this and ate it anyways.

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><p><strong><em>Is it too late to save our heroines (yeah right) mind? Or is her sanity finally gone, will she be cursed to become a mary sue, the scourge of all literature? Read and review to get another sarcastic chapter that people for some reason find funny, even though I can't seem to find it that funny...<em>**


	5. Loss of the cock block

**Disclaimer:…. I obviously do not own Ninja Turtles. Peter Lair and Kevin Eastman do.**

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><p>The turtles had returned to their cave – er, <em>Lair. <em>All of them were sore over their battle with the Foot – they had won, but at the same time they had lost their friend/love interest to the Shredder….. Well, they probably wouldn't have if they had just skipped the battle because they were taught that violence was a last resort, things would suck a little less if they had used that time to save their friend/love interest, but of course a ninja turtle can never do anything if he doesn't do an epic showdown.

Raph was punching his punching bag, because that was the only way in the universe he could get rid of his anger. Mikey was doing a mix of trying to cheer his brothers up, cutting his wrists and writing in his diary how much life was horrible without the 'love of his life' who had been away from them for a solid five minutes. Don of course went straight to the coffee pot, because we all know caffeine (*cough* blood poison *cough*) can solve any problem in the world. No one knew what Leo or Master Splinter were doing because they were far too uninteresting to write about or even mention; the same went for Casey and April, even though their apparent 'niece' had been kidnapped by a genocidal alien maniac.

"We have to save her from the Shredder!" Leo said to his brothers, raising his sword and trying to do a heroic pose but only managed to sound cliché.

"Yeah!" Mikey agreed and put his precious diary back in its hiding place, where Raph being his usual uncaring and insensitive self would find it and post the entry on Mikeys' Facebook wall. "How dare Shredder kidnap and innocent teenage girl, even though we did it too!"

"Let's forget the fact that she's an apparent Master Ninja and can probably save herself." Don agreed "Even though she clearly strolled over to the Foot clan and she was already a member of it in the past, it was obviously against her will!"

"Yea', damsel in distress fo' da' fuckin' win." Raph agreed, actually talking for once.

A remote was thrown at them "Silence, you insolent teenagers!" Master Splinter growled, he was wearing a t-shirt that said 'I hate young people on it' and pimp glasses "I am trying to watch my stories! I could care less that the love of your lives in jeopardy, I cannot see past this soap opera and I must drink copious amounts of tea while I meditate."

All of sudden, Master Splinter had a heart attack and died. After five minutes of devastation and mourning over the rat (who had raised, loved and fed them as if they were his own their entire lives), they forgot completely about his existence because they figured it was better without him because he was such a cock-block and focused on saving a girl they had known only for a few days and obviously hated them.

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><p><em>Meanwhile...<em>

For once, there was a being walking around in a trench coat and fedora who wasn't a ninja turtle; it was just a rather typical-looking teenager of average height. To create an air of suspense this person will be just referred to as 'The writer' because the narration is just awesome like that.

The stopped at the pizza shop; she knew that sooner or later the turtles would show up here because they couldn't go longer than a few hours without pizza.

Twisting their head to make sure their weren't any trolls, flamers or spammers around, the writer put a _missing _poster on the window of the pizza shop.

**Missing Fanfic Writer**

**Description: Has a talent for writing about something other people created, is likely to pair two guys together, strives to prove individuality but will fail horribly a good portion of the time, has little grasp on proper grammer and is unpopular in school. Is female, or claims to be a female trapped in a males body. Likely to have an obsession with Japan. Currently believes they are on LSD.**

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><p><em>I am terrible... I am sorry if I offended fellow fanfic writers but these are the stereotypes about us, so... yeah, have a sense of humor. Personally I don't believe the stereotypes because everyone if different, but its fun to poke fun at sterotypes.<em>

_So who is 'The Writer'__? I'll make a deal, reviews - in a first-come-first-serve, the first person to ask will be put in the fanfic as 'The Writer'. _


	6. The Writer

**Disclaimer:…. I obviously do not own Ninja Turtles. Peter Lair and Kevin Eastman do.**

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><p>The Writer was frantic – she needed to find her missing fellow writer, and fast, for reasons that cannot be disclosed in narration. She needed to find someone – not so much for help, but so she could describe to the readers why all of this whacked-up shit was going on.<p>

But she had to think – who were the characters in TMNT that were so useless they didn't even have offensive stereotypes and misconceptions?

She went to Angel's place; she opened the door, strolled in went up into Angel's room; of course even though Angel is a preteen/teenager, and those things typically have a lot of homework and stiudying that they don't do, Angel was in fact, doing nothing. It was almost as though she'd been waiting there the whole time for something interesting to happen to her. And we all know interesting things only happen to people when they meet the turtles, it's f*cking logic.

"You see Angel," The Writer said the preteen casually, as if she had not just broke into her house "I am from the internet – well, actually I'm from the real world, and _this _world is kind of the internet."

"…" Angel didn't reply, she, like anyone else in her position, grabbed the phone so she could call the police.

"Wait, wait!" The Writer said and took the phone; she took off her disguise of the trench coat and fedora, she had blonde hair and blue eyes "Don't call the police, let me introduce myself."

"You just broke into my house, yo; that ain't cool." Angel replied, actually talking for once.

"…. Do you really have anything else going on?" The Writer asked skeptically; when Angel didn't answer, The Writer introduced herself "My name is Second Daughter of Eve, call me Eve though, I'm a Fanfiction enthusiast and writer. However, a couple days ago, there was a problem between the TMNT Canon universe in Fanfiction…."

Angel looked at Eve weirdly; why did she just trail off and not finish her statement? "And this problem was…?" Angel inquired.

"You see," Eve continued "a couple of the writers from TMNT had a get-together; we laughed, told stories, had nice condiments and stayed up really late -"

"In translation, you guys were getting drunk, smoking weed and raising hell?" Angel asked, Eve looked at her as if she was crazy.

"No! We were actually doing everything I just said."

"…. Wow, that is really lame." Angel snorted, earning her the hated 'pissed Author' glare that stopped affecting fanfic writers when they realized it was only through text.

"_Anyways,_" Eve continued "then we got on the subject of Turtle/OC stories – while most of us weren't particular fans of them, one of us had an especial hatred for them while another one of us was actually writing one. They got into an argument, then a physical fight – which resulted in one of them throwing a laptop at the other – the other went _inside _of the laptop."

"… How?" Angel asked; being more street-smart than book-smart, Angel was not exactly the best science student, but she was pretty sure it was impossible for someone to physically be trapped in the internet – there was, however, a similar mental synopsis called 'Imadorkwithnolife-itis'.

"It appears," Eve paused for dramatic effort and narrowed her eyes, in a fashion similar to George Clooney, "that we had broken the fourth wall."

"The what?" Angel asked – of course she didn't know what the fourth wall was, she was a largely unimportant TMNT character.

"Look will you help me find my missing friend or not?" Eve snapped – this would have been too hard to explain. Sure, you could know what the fourth wall was, but you couldn't explain it.

"And I should help you because…..?" Angel rose an eyebrow – because apparently people could do that.

"I dunno." Eve shrugged "I mean, you could do it to get back at the fanfic writers."

"What have the 'fanfic writers' even done to me?"

"Well…." Eve grinned evilly, then went to explain how important Angels character was in Fanfiction "When your not be abused or raped, your only ever shown to have romantic relationships with the turtles."

"…._EWWW!_" Angelo cringed; turtles? What kind of girl did these writers take her for?

"And I remember one fanfic including you in a threesome with two of them." Even told her, that was the drop that ran the cup and then some.

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><p><strong><em>Sorry updating took so long - Ive been <span>busy!<span> Graduation is comming up, and if I don't get good grades (which I did get for the first half of the last semester, thank god) then my dad will make me commit sepukku! Or chop me into little pieces and cook them into soup... The sad thing is that It'd be good soup. So I avoided using my laptop for a while._**

**_Too bad, I'm not exactly proud of this chapter..._**

**_Oh, the winner was 'Second Daughter of Eve'_**


	7. TurtleSNAPPED

**Disclaimer:…. I obviously do not own Ninja Turtles. Peter Lair and Kevin Eastman do.**

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><p>"So why did the other Writers send you here?" Angel asked.<p>

Eve replied "I was the most trusted – they believed I was the best person for the job."

"How much do you want to bet that they sent you here because they really don't give two shits left if you were dead."

"That's not true! They love me!"

**Meanwhile…..**

"Do you think Eve's dead yet?"

"Probably."

**Back in the fanfics general 'plot'.**

"Than how come only one of you came here, wouldn't it be easier that all of you came to find your friend?"

"It isn't that simple." Eve look offended.

"How so?" Angel challenged.

"It would have been hard to write them into this fanfic."

"Oooookkkaaayyyy." Angel said "What do we do anyways?"

"We," Eve said "will find the turtles – my friend is bound to be with them. To the sewers!" She exclaimed heroically.

"But didn't you leave a poster for the turtles?" Angel asked "If you knew the turtles were in the sewers the whole time, what was the point of that? In fact, what was the point of coming to me?"

Eve shrugged "I'm not pointing fingers at any writers – but this _is _a fanfic, a fanfic tends to have plot holes. I only came to you to explain what kind of shit was going down to the readers."

Angel rolled her eyes "I'm flattered." She told Eve sarcastically.

"Oh shut up – lets go to the sewers now and find the canon turtles."

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><p>Mikey was crying in alley – he didn't want his brothers to watch him cry….. Even though so far all he ever does is cry. His 'loving' brothers would only beat him up and ridicule him for crying…. Even though they never made any indication during any TMNT incarnation about hating Mikey.<p>

Because he was so busy crying, the trained ninja failed to notice he was being snuck up on, even though something so trivial was one of the basics of his training. Before Mikey knew it, he was ganged up on by a dozen Foot ninja's….. You'd think that after years of being beat up by ninja turtles, people would stop being Foot ninjas, but apparently not.

"Aww, a crying turtle; lets beat the crap out of him." One of the Foot ninja's said.

Mikey gave his best effort to fight them off – even though he's fought Foot ninja's literally hundreds of times, and he's the Battle Nexus Champion, and let's not look past the fact that he's been training in Ninjitsu _his entire life; _he failed horribly and got the crap beaten out of him.

And instead of killing him, which would be less complicated and would guarantee that he would be gone forever, the Foot ninja's took it upon themselves to instead drag a 200+ pound, bloody turtle all the way across town to their secret Foot base…. Which was a hella obvious Japanese skyscraper.

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><p><em>...What can I say? If sarcasm came in cereal form, I would eat it every morning.<em>


	8. Mikey the little b tch

**Disclaimer:…. I obviously do not own Ninja Turtles. Peter Lair and Kevin Eastman do.**

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><p>"They are acting so…. Weird." Angel whispered to Eve in disgust after they entered the Lair.<p>

"Wow, Canon is worse than I thought." Eve mused.

Donnie was seemingly the only one who actually cared that their youngest brother was missing – the sissy turtle was crying his eyes out in a corner and was so engrossed in doing it he hadn't even noticed two teenage girls had strolled in their Lair as if on the yellow-brick road.

Raph, upon their entry, yelled several cuss words at them and threw a couple dumbbells at them for seemingly nothing. But since he's the hothead of the group, it's only (il)logical that he react to everything in a violent, irrational way. It makes sense when you don't think about it.

Leo didn't even blink at their arrival – he just kept obsessively training. Let's forget that he's training for the sole purpose of protecting his family and his own home was being invaded by two possible threats (Ph, yeah right. 'Threat' my ass.)

"What do we do, Eve?" Angel asked – during the time they were off-screen, Eve had explained to Angel the concept of canon personalities and how it would make the turtles so different they were practically useless.

"After intense thinking, meditating and studying, I have come up with a way to snap them out of it." Even said seriously as she first approached Raphael.

She grabbed him by the shoulder, whirled him around to face her and looked him in the eyes seriously.

Right before she started to slap him silly "SNAP THE FUCK OUT OF IT, DAMNIT! GET FUCKING OVER YOURSELF! WAKE UP YOU BASTARD!"

Angel watched and questioned the mental stability of this so-called 'authoress'.

Eve repeated the motion with the two remaining turtles and, remarkably, they actually came to their senses.

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><p>Meanwhile….<p>

Mikey woke up to the sound of horrible singing

"_I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts diddily-dee,_

_Here their all standing in a ro-pop, pop, pop,_

_Big ones, Small ones, some as big as your head_

_MUAHAHAHAHA!"_

When he actually opened his eyes – he found himself fact to face with her.

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><p>Back…<p>

Eve said to the turtles and Angel "Okay, while we off-screen, I explained to you all the crux of the situation. And you guys, in turn, kept us up-to-date on your shit going on."

"We don't know what happened to your friend." Leo said to her "Last time we saw her she ran away to the Shredder and the Foot clan."

"Good riddance." Raph snorted – because Raph of course stops trusting people once they betray his trust… (Remember this message when writing a fanfic)

"Guys," Don brought up "what the shell happened to Mikey?"

Eve took out a script "In most terrible fanfics Mikey gets kidnapped by the Foot."

"Shell." All the brothers moaned in unison – figures Mikey would get them into trouble.

Eve continued "Now, you say she left to join the Foot, right?" They nodded "In typical fanfics, the OC would go on one of two trips – either a guilt trip, or a power trip. In pretty much all of these, she ends up killing the Shredder."

"…..The Shredder, who has been on this Earth, training in countless Martial arts, ever since the Feudal age in Japan? That same Shredder?" Leo asked rhetorically.

"No one ever said Fanfics made sense." Eve said. "The point of this parody conversation is, Mikey is in serious trouble and we should probably save his sorry ass."

"If he's canon like you said, do we even _want _him back?" Raph asked and the others actually took it into consideration – a whiny, un-masculine, emo version of their usually flamboyant brother wasn't something to look foreward too. The turtles are also at an age where showing love for your family isn't cool (Don't say it isn't true, it happens with teenagers.)

"Eh, a couple good smacks to the face and he'll be fine."

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><p>Meanwhile….<p>

Mikey was crying like a little bitch as he, a _ninja, _cowered at the feet of a teenage girl who was dressed like the Shredder.

"Please don't hurt me!" He wailed, again like a little bitch.

She slapped him "I am the Shredder!" She yelled like a mad-man "I have killed that alien fool and I am now the Shredder! Kneel at my feet you pathetic bitch!" She said to the pathetic bitch already kneeling at his feet.

"W-What are you going to do with me?" Mikey asked, tears rolling down his face like always.

"Oh, I know just how to torture you." The 'new Shredder' chuckled and produced a jar of pickles.

"What are you going to do with those?" Mikey shrieked, do I even need to add 'like a little bitch' anymore?

She opened the jar and pulled out a pickle "See this pickle? Suck on it!"

He looked at her like she was insane (Which she totally is at this point.) "Why?" He asked, still really afraid like always.

"Do it!" She commanded with authority she had gained over a course of the seven minutes of being in charge of the Foot clan, and lighting flashed behind her even though they were inside.

Like the little bitch he was (in this, and many fanfics), Mikey put the pickle in his mouth and sucked on it.

She burst out laughing and pointed at him "Gaaaaay." She taunted.

Yup, that would be your average evil teenager right there.

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><p><em>... No comment<em>


	9. The fall of the new Shredder

**Disclaimer:…. I obviously do not own Ninja Turtles. Peter Lair and Kevin Eastman do.**

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><p>"I'm bored." The new Shredder said as she sat down on a solid-gold throne chair at the end of a red silk carpet trail in a grand room. It seemed pretty strange how the formal Shredders 'I love me' room was so Greek-like when he first arrived on Earth in Japan, but whatever.<p>

"Maybe you should let me go." Mikey squeaked from a corner; even though the rest of the room was so royal and plush, this particular corner was dark, dank and drippy with cracks that rats scurried out of. Mikey was chained to it by a collar, sort of like a dog. If Mikey had any self-respect (in fanfics, he typically has none.) it would be dead by now.

"Silence you!" The new Shredder shouted and threw a goblet at him – when the solid gold goblet made not-that-hard contact with his head, Mikey cried even more… Even though his head has been smashed against countless hard surfaces several times in the past couple of years.

"Hey!" She heard a shout from and the other end of the ridiculously huge room – her eyes narrowed in a dramatic (George Clooney) way when she saw Eve, Angel and the three other turtles.

"Who dares disturb the Lair of the new Shredder?" She challenged, drawing out her katana from it's sheathe; somehow it managed to glow.

"Oh, cut it Neko." Eve snorted; the turtles looked at Eve and back to the new Shredder whose name, after eight chapters, has finally been revealed.

"_This _is the new Shredder?" Raph asked, pointing at Neko "It's a fourteen year old girl." He stated.

"Hey, I'll be fifteen soon!" The girl defended, then hiccupped.

"Have you been drinking?" Angel asked – even though she was at least twenty feet away, she could smell the alcohol…. Somehow.

"Maybe…" Neko slurred.

Donnie gasped when he saw Mikey sobbing in a corner "What have you done to Mikey, you fiend?" He demanded "He's crying like a little bitch, almost as if he has no masculinity whatsoever."

"He was like that before I got him!" Neko said.

"Look, look." Eve said "I know you're confused Neko…. And I know you believe you're hopped up on LSD and under the impression you're hallucinating….. But you are NOT a Mary-Sue on a bad fanfic. You're a writer who was accidently sent to the fanfic world."

"If I was a writer, how come I remember everything else about my life besides _that?_" Neko challenged.

"I don't know. Plot convenience?" Eve suggested.

"Fight me!" Neko shouted and held out the katana threateningly, under other circumstances Leonardo would probably tell her she wasn't in correct stance but this was an exception. "I will kill you and mount your head on a wall!"

"Oh, so you wanna kill me?" Eve challenged "You don't have the ovaries to do it."

Neko put her hands on her hips "Oooh, ooh! Look who thinks she has a tough uterus."

Raph bumped Leo on the side with his elbow "Is this how chicks fight?" He asked. Leo shrugged an 'I don't know.'

While Leo and Raph were having a debate, and Even and Neko were arguing, Angel made her way over to Mikey.

"I'll get you out of here, Mike." Angel said and futz around the chain a little – to her completely surprise, it came off hella easy….. Canon Mikey was worse than she thought. Maybe leaving him here wasn't such a bad idea….

"Mikey, get up; we're here to save you." Angel said to the sobbing turtle.

"Let me die! I have endured to much torture to continue living!" Mikey wailed.

"…You have been here for only about two hours…."Angel reminded him "And the whole time you were in this corner. The worse 'torture' you have endured was her taking a cropped picture of you sucking on a pickle and sending it to the Tcest fans."

"H-How do you know that?" Mikey sniffled.

"She also sent it to me." Angel said and took out her iPhone, being in an underclass family it only made sense she had an iPhone "I have to tell you, it's really funny even if it's really disturbing." The picture that came up on the screen was a cropped image of Mikey sucking on pickle – however, to most people it looked as if Mikey and one of his brothers were….. Uhhh, you get the idea.

"I want to die! I have no reason to live! I'm ugly, fat and stupid and I deserve to die in a ditch because I'm a disgrace to my family and they would be better off without me." Mikey cringed, sobbing into his hands (I'm serious, _this _is how a lot of people potray him in fics…. You should be ashamed.)

Without hesitating, Angel started slapping him silly "GET FUCKING OVER IT!" She shouted, doing a re-do of what Eve did with the other turtles. Mikey also recovered from the OOC-ness. Nothing quite says 'reality check' like a pimp-slap to the face.

Meanwhile, Eve had gotten close enough to Neko to do the same, but because the writer of this parody is lazy, the scene was not actually written. So lets just say Neko got over the Mary-Sue-ness and all was well and good.

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><p><strong><em>One more chapter<em>**


	10. Happy ending?

**Disclaimer:…. I obviously do not own Ninja Turtles. Peter Lair and Kevin Eastman do.**

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><p>"Dudes," Mikey said as he came up to his bro's, rubbing his head with one hand because he, like them, didn't actually remembered the events that transpired under the fanon influence "I just had the weirdest dream – the Shredder was a fourteen-year-old girl singing about coconuts."<p>

"That was me, you idiot." Neko told him "And you know you liked it." Neko was back to her normal appearance – her very flawed appearance with the pimples, boyish clothes, unnaturally gruff (for a girl) voice and short hair that looked as though it had never been brushed and as if rats nested in it.

"Like, what happened?" Mikey asked – his own voice was no where _near _as high-pitched or whiny like it was earlier.

"It's a very long story," Eve said, putting a hand on her fellow writers shoulder in a rather strange attempt to symbolize their friendship. If she was going to keep it there, it would be appropriate for her to say 'no homo'. "So let me tell you the story off-screen."

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><p>"I can't believe I acted like that." All the turtles said in unison; since the universe was restored Splinter was again alive.<p>

"I am sorry about all that has happened." Master Splinter told Neko, he had heard about his own behavior and was appalled.

"I'm sorry I became a Mary Sue." Neko said, then turned to Mikey "Mikey, I'm sorry I made you suck on pickle….. And that I've tortured you in my fanfics."

"You've what?" Mikey asked.

"Uh, nothing." Neko quickly excused.

"This crackfic is over, let's get back home Neko." Eve said to the other writer.

"…How do we get home?" Neko asked confused; how she got into the world, she wasn't quite sure.

"We write ourselves out of this universe." Eve said, as if it was the wisest thesis ever to have been thought of.

"_Oookaaayyy…._" Neko drew out, she wondered if it was too late to drop out of the fanficiton world to avoid crazy authors "Can I say a few words to the turtles?"

"I don't see why not."

Neko turned to the turtles, first off was Leonardo "You need to get a life." She scoffed, then turned to Raph. "You need to learn proper grammer." Then to Mikey. "You….. You just _suck _in fanfiction." And lastly to Donnie "And you need to stop being useless!"

Her rant seemed to not effect them, so to make the venom sink in, she added "Also I un-friended you all on Facebook."

The turtles gasped in horror that she could have done such a thing.

**And they all lived happ(crap)illy ever after!**

**...For about three days; the turtles decided to use a fourth-wall breaking computer Donatello invinted to study this 'Fanfiction' and upon the discovery of their fanon selves, and turtlecest in particular, they went on a full on ninja rage-quit and terrorized all of fanfiction and deviant art. They left behind a a path of mass destruction and genocide.**

**The moral of this story is; if you decide to f*ck with someones character, make sure you have a bomb-proof cellar to hide in.**

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><p><em><strong>This story was really fun! Although, I almost feel kind of bad that the one story I made that got a lot of attention was the one that I didn't really care about.<strong>_

_**Oh and shout out to Second Daughter of Eve, you have been a good sport and I will see you in court.**_

_**Untill the next fic,**_

_**KGD, or 'Neko' as dubbed in the fic**_


End file.
